http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/en-UKhttp://backend.userland.com/rss092http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/1a/b3552336d6fa23fd066bb24d8b79c3_160x200.jpg <p>Dear Flash.<br> AS head of the secret service you know that I have close links with our Minister Prime Golden Brown (texture like sun). Recently he has had this good idea of giving away free broadband to a million children in the UK.<br> The problem is this, how do we find a list of a million children?</p> <p>Brandy Millidave</p> <p>Dear Flash.<br> Don't worry about my previous problem. I have found a list. Gary Glitter left his little black book in the airport.</p> <p>Brandy Millydave </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/file-2242-golden-brown-s-recent-initiative-4769362/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/file-2242-golden-brown-s-recent-initiative-4769362/Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:21:28 +0200 <p>Dear Flash<br> AS a media mogul I am always looking at the news headlines and today I came across this one.<br> <a href="http://uk.news.yahoo.com/itn/20080813/tuk-clumsy-children-linked-to-obesity-dba1618.html"><br> <u>Clumsiness linked to obesity</u></a><br> And I have to say, I am always passing fat kids saying. "ooops I accidentally shoved that Curly Wurly in my mouth"</p> <p>Keeping you in the Hula Loop</p> <p>David Sillibrand </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/news-report-clumsiness-linked-to-obesity-4582378/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/news-report-clumsiness-linked-to-obesity-4582378/Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:47:17 +0200 <p>Dear Flash<br> It has long been a problem in this country... to accomodate the fact that kids are getting thicker, we have had to make exams easier. Well we have recently had word from our think tank at OCR on a way of really improving exam grades. <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7414129.stm">They are putting the answers on the back.</a> I think this is a positive step forward... after all, most text books have the answers in the book, so it was only a logical step to take.</p> <blockquote><p>The exam board said it had received "a handful of calls" from schools querying the situation since the exam was taken on Friday</p></blockquote> <p>We are hoping that this trial ill be a resounding success, and judging by the fact that only a handful of schools queried it, we are taking that as positive reinforcement from the education establishments!</p> <p>Yours </p> <p>Ed Balls-up </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/the-future-of-the-examination-system-4209137/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/the-future-of-the-examination-system-4209137/Thu, 22 May 2008 21:00:18 +0200 <p>Transcript taken from secret recording from New Ireland Yard: police Headquarters in Liverpool</p> <p>DCI: "...So Steven Gerrard's home has been burgled whilst he was at work last night. How did the criminals know that he wouldn't be home? Anyone?..... Any ideas?........ Okay. Lets see if we can piece things together. June 2006: Jerzey Dudek- Liverpool football player- Burgled. September 2006: Peter Crouch- Liverpool footballer- Burgled. September 2006: Daniel Agger- Liverpool footballer- burgled. May 2007: Pepe Reina: Liverpool football player- burgled. Now Steven gerrard: Liverpool player- burgled......... Does anyone have any clues? Anything at all?...... Damn! If only there was some link, some common element that links these seemingly unrelated and random crimes......"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/12/12/the_police_are_baffled_by_thes_unrelated~3434153/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/12/12/the_police_are_baffled_by_thes_unrelated~3434153/Wed, 12 Dec 2007 19:46:48 +0100 <p>Dear Flash<br> As per your instructions I have been keeping close tabs on the Scottish laws regarding <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/7044063.stm">Kerb Crawlers</a>.</p> <p>I asked a reliable source and they said this</p> <blockquote><p>Legislation which makes kerb-crawling a criminal offence has come into force across Scotland.<br> Anyone looking to pick up a prostitute will face a fine of up to £1,000. </p></blockquote> <p>When I asked if the thought the fine was too steep they replied<br> "Not really. After all, now they can say they have really been screwed!"</p> <p>Yours</p> <p>Agent TJ Hooker </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/10/15/notes_on_a_kerb_crawler~3141221/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/10/15/notes_on_a_kerb_crawler~3141221/Mon, 15 Oct 2007 19:23:30 +0200 <p>Dear Flash<br> After reading <a href="http://www.4ni.co.uk/northern_ireland_news.asp?id=65698">recent reports</a> about the Suicide Rate in Northern Ireland</p> <blockquote><p>Despite the high suicide rate in Northern Ireland some four out of five GPs do not have specialist knowledge of suicide prevention.<br> Figures place the suicide rate at almost one person a day.</p></blockquote> <p>I have come up with a solution to reduce the Suicide rate of People in Northern Ireland. The plan is as follows. We will section off a piece of very slippery, cliffy Northern Ireland and call it something else like Northern Jumpland. We can then wage war with it and it will then declare independence and become a country in it's own right.<br> <a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=1959754" title="jumpland"><img src="http://data4.blog.de/media/754/1959754_8cda48f57d_s.jpeg" alt="jumpland" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>And when the war is over, we can open up the borders and should anyone feel 'a bit down' we can give them free one way tickets to Jumpland!<br> And hey presto, our suicide rates will drop.</p> <p>What do you think? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/09/10/battling_ni_suicide_rate~2957619/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/09/10/battling_ni_suicide_rate~2957619/Mon, 10 Sep 2007 18:52:02 +0200 <p>Dear Flash</p> <p>I have just seen the new PM's <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/topstories/2007/06/28/brown-s-new-cabinet-89520-19373682/">cabinet list</a>. It was such a relief. I had started to get worried when Gordon Brown said "Balls Up For Education"</p> <blockquote><p>Ed Balls is the newly appointed Schools and Children Secretary.</p></blockquote> <p>From</p> <p>Field Reporter<br> Wee Jimmy Krankee </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/06/30/personal_field_report_balls_up~2547072/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/06/30/personal_field_report_balls_up~2547072/Sat, 30 Jun 2007 13:02:53 +0200 <p>"Dear Flash<br> The country is in a desperate state. It seems that there has been allegations of corruptions amongst the corporate giants known as 'premium line phone votes'. It is getting to the point where people are suspicious about phone in competitions. What shall we do? Millions of children are growing up not knowing who to trust. Lucky they have great role models, like on that superb and trustworthy show <a href="http://news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=403192007">Blue Peter</a>...<br> ....<br> .... Oh Bugger!"</p> <p>Signed</p> <p>Petra </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/03/14/file_bp101_blue_scandal~1904161/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/03/14/file_bp101_blue_scandal~1904161/Wed, 14 Mar 2007 17:52:26 +0100 <p>Transcript of conversation recorded today:</p> <p><strong>"I hear that Camilla is <a href="http://uk.news.yahoo.com/12022007/325/camilla-hysterectomy.html">planning to have a hysterectomy</a>"</p> <p>"Surely if she wanted to have a useless fanny removed, she could have divorced him</strong>"</p> <p>Transcript ends </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/02/12/camilla_s_dilemma~1729013/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/02/12/camilla_s_dilemma~1729013/Mon, 12 Feb 2007 19:33:02 +0100 <p>Financial report ~415<br> Dear Flash<br> Having read your recent report into our country's financial situation, I believe I have a solution. Our sponsor at <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6227187.stm">British Airways</a> is going to hold a huge jumble sale at the weekend. They appear to have acquired an awful lot of jumble over the Christmas Period.</p> <p>Yours<br> Heath Row </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/01/03/financial_support~1511468/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2007/01/03/financial_support~1511468/Wed, 03 Jan 2007 23:47:10 +0100 <p>Dear Flash<br> We have had success.<br> After your last message asking us to consider ways in reducing the influx of foregin immigrants into England, I have come up with a failsafe way of easing the situation. WE have created a situation where it would be embarrassing to be considered English. I recently asked Agent MacLaren to make our national football team look ridiculous. And it has been a success. Agent Robinson has magnificently made himself look stupid for the sake of the country. And recent reports have shown that the number of applications from Croatian immigrants has dropped. We have even had some applications English Nationals applying to go there, for fear of being tagged with the 'Enlgish are stupid footballers' label. </p> <p>With such success, I am sure that the Prime Ministership will soon be in my grasp.</p> <p>Your friend</p> <p>Agent Brown Stain </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/10/12/file_442oops_butterfingers~1214230/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/10/12/file_442oops_butterfingers~1214230/Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:11:04 +0200 <p>Dear Flash.<br> There have been several polls lately which show that there is little confidence in the present prime minister. But the replacements may be just as incompetent. So I have come up with a solution.<br> After the recent success of show 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' I have created the following reality TV format.<br> 'How do you solve a rpoblem like the PM'<br> We shall have Mr Blair, Mr Brown, MR Campbell and Mr Manzies all perform hits from their manifesto whilst dancing a choreographed routine with busty ladies and men in Lederhosen.<br> Graham Norton can host it, after all, that's all he's good for these days. And we can get a surprise candidate from the TV audience. Or maybe even have a lottery style competition where we hide gold tickets in chocolate 'Prime' bars around the country- (But only in middle class areas).<br> And the good thing about the show is.... it can be totally fixed, like every other reality TV show! But the public will think they have chosen the winner! Win-Win situation<br> What do you think Flash?</p> <p>N.D.Mole </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/09/17/how_do_you_solve_a_problem_like_the_pm~1133239/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/09/17/how_do_you_solve_a_problem_like_the_pm~1133239/Sun, 17 Sep 2006 09:11:45 +0200 <p>Dear Flash<br> I have been trying hard to keep the folliwing incident out of the media</p> <blockquote><p>There was an incident yesterday in EasyBorne when a police SWAT team surrounded a toy shop scaring a little boy. Apparently he was misheard and in fact asked for a Blow-up Plane.</p></blockquote> <p>I think I managed it.</p> <p>PC Copper </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/08/12/supressing_news~1033476/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/08/12/supressing_news~1033476/Sat, 12 Aug 2006 10:33:48 +0200 <p>Think Tank Memorandum<br> Idea #211: The loveliness Jury</p> <p>Flash<br> There have been recent reports on whether men should be allowed to appear topless in public. Whereas most people would not mind seeing <a href="http://www.darkhorizons.com/news04/alpha2.jpg">this</a>, they are less impressed with seeing <a href="http://www.funfry.com/data/507/medium/ugly_fat_man_big_tummy_funny_pictures_funfry_resize.JPG">this</a>.</p> <p>As a think tank we have been discussing what we should do about it. With the introduction of the new ID cards that everyone must have which will include important information, we have decided that it could also include a Loveliness quotient; a single number that represents how easy you are to look at. We could ask every one to sit in front of a randomly picked jury of 100 judges who will then give a thumbs up or thumbs down on your general aesthetic appearance. The number of thumbs up will count as your 'loveliness' percentage.<br> Then when everyone in the country has a percentage we could issue laws that you must obey depending on your loveliness Quotient.<br> Examples<br> 1) No one with a L.Q less than 50 must be topless in public.<br> 2) No on with an L.Q lower than 70 must present television.<br> 3) People with an L.Q lower than 20 must be asked to sit in special windowless rooms in restaurants.<br> 4) All people may enter a cinema but anyone with an L.Q lower than 10 must be escorted in when the lights are off.</p> <p>Just a few suggestions</p> <p>Think tank member 'Jags' Prescott </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/08/05/the_loveliness_quotient~1016561/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/08/05/the_loveliness_quotient~1016561/Sat, 05 Aug 2006 20:58:59 +0200 <p>File #P15t01<br> Flash<br> After recent reports that gun crime has been rising in London, we have finally made a break though. After intensive research, we decided to ask some people what was going on. Apparantly there is a game called <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/5211998.stm">Street Wars</a> where they use water pistols. I repeat, there are not real guns, so we cannot arrest them for gun-crime- we can however arrest them for breaking the water ban rule. Should we go ahead?</p> <p>Agent Dripster.</p> <p>PS. Lucky we didn't shoot down an innocent man </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/07/25/file_p15t01_bang_bang_you_re_wet~986393/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/07/25/file_p15t01_bang_bang_you_re_wet~986393/Tue, 25 Jul 2006 08:27:00 +0200 <p>Copy of letter found in a bin at the F.A. Headquarters.<br> Photograph attached</p> <blockquote><p> Dear Mr Person who runs Football.</p> <p>My Name is Nikki and I am looking for a boyfriend. I know that you are in charge of all the footballers so I would be grateful if you could pass this letter to the ones that don't have a girlfriend yet. You could start with the ones that earn the most money and then work your way down. But I don't want anyone who earns less then £40,000 a week or hasn't played in the world cup so you can ignore Theo Walnut.<br> Any way. My qualities are: I am a fun person that hardly ever gets upset. I am a model and Promo Girl. I am loyal, so I won't like it if my boyfriend talks to someone else. I hardly ever eat, unless someone else has made it. I don't like Air conditioning, MP3 players or tap water.<br> I will make a good girlfriend because I deserve to be rich and not poor like my Middle class family.<br> If you like me then call me, and invite me out to China Whites. If I dont like you I may like one of your footballer friends so bring them along too.</p> <p>Nikki </p></blockquote> <p>Photo attached<br> <a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=675982"><img src="http://data2.blog.de/media/982/675982_fd944d2f46_m.jpg" align="" alt="nikscowl" title="nikscowl" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/07/10/letter_of_appplication_for_a_boyfriend_n~947971/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/07/10/letter_of_appplication_for_a_boyfriend_n~947971/Mon, 10 Jul 2006 09:50:11 +0200 <p>Report: HRH2006<br> Content: Classified<br> Re: war against drugs.</p> <p>Flash it has come to our attention that we are losing the war against drugs. Inside sources have released photographic evidence that huge ecstacy tablets have been smuggled into Buckingham Palace. Here is the photographic evidence.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=648725"><img src="http://data2.blog.de/media/725/648725_1acb63d878_m.jpg" align="" alt="mr happy" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>Report filed by Agents : Mr Rush, Mr Speed and Mr High </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/06/26/classified_file_hrh2006_war_against_drug~912453/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/06/26/classified_file_hrh2006_war_against_drug~912453/Mon, 26 Jun 2006 12:47:32 +0200 <p>Memo taken from BBC News Waste paper bin</p> <p>Flash<br> There are rumours of some sensitive news stories coming up. We need to find a way to distract the population. I have a solution. You know how obsessed the population is with fashion and style, all we need to do is dress up a newsreader in the goudiest outfit ever, then the viewers will be too distracted to listen to the actual news. All we need is to find someone simple and naive enough to wear it.</p> <p>Agent Turnbull</p> <p>P.S. I think I have found the perfect person</p> <p>Reply found<br> Agent Turnbull that is a good suggestion. In fact the idea has other merits. We could use such a hideously disorientating pattern and hide a secret subliminal message in it. That way we kill two birds with one stone</p> <p>Flash</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=590496"><img src="http://data1.blog.de/media/496/590496_c8a14687b0_m.jpg" align="" alt="secretblouse" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/06/02/news_distraction~848198/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/06/02/news_distraction~848198/Fri, 02 Jun 2006 09:29:10 +0200 <p>Field report number :24BBC<br> Extract of letter discovered shredded in a bin in Apple Headquartes.</p> <p>Forward to Apple Executives.<br> Dear sirs. As you are aware we are in a terrible crisis with the upcoming court case. It has come to our attention that there will be an expert witness appearing on a British television news station. The name of the witness is Guy Kewney. We must not let him give his testimony.<br> We have operatvies in the field acting on this. We have found a replacement Guy, a cab driver looking for work. We will orchestrate it that he will accidentally by chosen for the interview as opposed to our witness, therefore not allowing the witness to give evidence and making the BBC look like a complete load of incompetent idiots. We will be killing two birds with one stone.<br> I will let you know if the plan succeeds.<br> The Boss </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/16/the_wrong_guy~803782/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/16/the_wrong_guy~803782/Tue, 16 May 2006 12:40:29 +0200 <p>Secret memo intercepted from Rafael Benitez to his team<br> Dated: Friday 12th may 2006</p> <p>Players<br> we have some financial problems. WE are going to find it hard to pay our way next year especially if we want to buy new players so here is my plan. Firstly I have noticed that the bookmakers have put our team odds on favourite to win the FA cup. The odds on West Ham winning are small. So what we are going to do is liquidate our assets and put the money on West Ham to win the FA cup. all we then need to do is make sure that they win. Here are a few suggestions<br> 1) Carragher. You are near the back. Try to get an own goal.<br> 2) Reina. You will be in goal. When you get it, fumble it a bit but ONLY if there's a WH player there to pick it up.</p> <p>Good luck guys<br> The future of the team is in your very clumsy hands.</p> <p>Signed<br> Raffles </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/13/planning_a_downfall~796628/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/13/planning_a_downfall~796628/Sat, 13 May 2006 15:34:37 +0200 <p>File #442<br> Copy of application letter delivered to Marriott Hotel Catering Manager.<br> Dated 6th May</p> <p>Dear Sir/Madam<br> I was horrified to hear of the bizarre accident that occurred to your Head Chef. It is amazing how easy it is for an electric egg whisk to accidentally fall into a bath tub.<br> However I am led to believe that there is now a vacancy as Head chef at your hotel. I am keen to start immediatley as I believe you have a very important party to cater for. I would be glad to work on a trial basis. Please believe me when I tell you that my Lasagne is to die for.<br> I look forward to hearing from you soon<br> Alison Wenger </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/letter_to_marriott_hotel_catering_manage~783776/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/letter_to_marriott_hotel_catering_manage~783776/Mon, 08 May 2006 11:39:47 +0200 <p>Report #442<br> File Name: Project Rooney<br> Flash<br> Our plan to sabotage the local elections is going well. It was very clever to tap into England's Football Frenzy. Using Wayne Rooney as part of the misdirection was genius. Now the country is worried about their football chances. It was clever replacing the turf with little mini landmines for that match. Now all we have to do is leak to the press that details about Rooney's condition will be revealed on Thursday, that way everyone in the country will stay in on Thursday Morning and therefore not go and vote.</p> <p>More details to follow</p> <p>Agent Rooney's Boot </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/02/file_name_projectrooney~771302/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/05/02/file_name_projectrooney~771302/Tue, 02 May 2006 18:50:14 +0200 <p>Field Report<br> Agent: Temple<br> Re: Government Ridicule Action plan</p> <p>Dear Flash<br> AS you have requested, I have managed to locate an attractive lady that is not ashamed to be associated with codename 'Walrus'. We have secured a statement that suggests that she has had 'relations' with aforementioned 'Walrus' and this has been publicised. The Walrus will be so embarrassed by the fact that he could not in fact 'pull' such a beauty that he will have no choice but to admit the affair.</p> <p>Temple </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/04/26/project_two_shags~757284/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/04/26/project_two_shags~757284/Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:08:20 +0200 <p>File #1:<br> Head of Secret Service: Flash Hazzard<br> Profile: Superhero<br> Statistics: A subject taught in school<br> History: Another subject taught in school<br> Status: This agent is currently active </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/04/26/secret_dossier_file~756874/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://secretservice.blog.co.uk/2006/04/26/secret_dossier_file~756874/Wed, 26 Apr 2006 11:18:56 +0200