Flash Hazzard's Secret Dossiers

Dear Flash.
AS head of the secret service you know that I have close links with our Minister Prime Golden Brown (texture like sun). Recently he has had this good idea of giving away free broadband to a million children in the UK.
The problem is this, how do we find a list of a million children?

Brandy Millidave

Dear Flash.
Don't worry about my previous problem. I have found a list. Gary Glitter left his little black book in the airport.

Brandy Millydave

Dear Flash
AS a media mogul I am always looking at the news headlines and today I came across this one.

Clumsiness linked to obesity
And I have to say, I am always passing fat kids saying. "ooops I accidentally shoved that Curly Wurly in my mouth"

Keeping you in the Hula Loop

David Sillibrand

Dear Flash
It has long been a problem in this country... to accomodate the fact that kids are getting thicker, we have had to make exams easier. Well we have recently had word from our think tank at OCR on a way of really improving exam grades. They are putting the answers on the back. I think this is a positive step forward... after all, most text books have the answers in the book, so it was only a logical step to take.

The exam board said it had received "a handful of calls" from schools querying the situation since the exam was taken on Friday

We are hoping that this trial ill be a resounding success, and judging by the fact that only a handful of schools queried it, we are taking that as positive reinforcement from the education establishments!

Yours

Ed Balls-up

Transcript taken from secret recording from New Ireland Yard: police Headquarters in Liverpool

DCI: "...So Steven Gerrard's home has been burgled whilst he was at work last night. How did the criminals know that he wouldn't be home? Anyone?..... Any ideas?........ Okay. Lets see if we can piece things together. June 2006: Jerzey Dudek- Liverpool football player- Burgled. September 2006: Peter Crouch- Liverpool footballer- Burgled. September 2006: Daniel Agger- Liverpool footballer- burgled. May 2007: Pepe Reina: Liverpool football player- burgled. Now Steven gerrard: Liverpool player- burgled......... Does anyone have any clues? Anything at all?...... Damn! If only there was some link, some common element that links these seemingly unrelated and random crimes......"

Dear Flash
As per your instructions I have been keeping close tabs on the Scottish laws regarding Kerb Crawlers.

I asked a reliable source and they said this

Legislation which makes kerb-crawling a criminal offence has come into force across Scotland.
Anyone looking to pick up a prostitute will face a fine of up to £1,000.

When I asked if the thought the fine was too steep they replied
"Not really. After all, now they can say they have really been screwed!"

Yours

Agent TJ Hooker

Dear Flash
After reading recent reports about the Suicide Rate in Northern Ireland

Despite the high suicide rate in Northern Ireland some four out of five GPs do not have specialist knowledge of suicide prevention.
Figures place the suicide rate at almost one person a day.

I have come up with a solution to reduce the Suicide rate of People in Northern Ireland. The plan is as follows. We will section off a piece of very slippery, cliffy Northern Ireland and call it something else like Northern Jumpland. We can then wage war with it and it will then declare independence and become a country in it's own right.

And when the war is over, we can open up the borders and should anyone feel 'a bit down' we can give them free one way tickets to Jumpland!
And hey presto, our suicide rates will drop.

What do you think?

Dear Flash

I have just seen the new PM's cabinet list. It was such a relief. I had started to get worried when Gordon Brown said "Balls Up For Education"

Ed Balls is the newly appointed Schools and Children Secretary.

From

Field Reporter
Wee Jimmy Krankee

"Dear Flash
The country is in a desperate state. It seems that there has been allegations of corruptions amongst the corporate giants known as 'premium line phone votes'. It is getting to the point where people are suspicious about phone in competitions. What shall we do? Millions of children are growing up not knowing who to trust. Lucky they have great role models, like on that superb and trustworthy show Blue Peter...
....
.... Oh Bugger!"

Signed

Petra

Transcript of conversation recorded today:

"I hear that Camilla is planning to have a hysterectomy"

"Surely if she wanted to have a useless fanny removed, she could have divorced him"

Transcript ends

Financial report ~415
Dear Flash
Having read your recent report into our country's financial situation, I believe I have a solution. Our sponsor at British Airways is going to hold a huge jumble sale at the weekend. They appear to have acquired an awful lot of jumble over the Christmas Period.

Yours
Heath Row